Medical Assistants of the Caribbean, A Gailum Tale
by Gailum
Summary: Gailum, of 'Gailum Lordess of the Rings' and 'Gailum and the Order of the Feenix' returns with an all new adventure! The funniest Gailum yet!


Medical Assistants of the Caribbean  
  
Being a medical assistant doesn't always mean leading a life of glamour in the eye of the public. Some people barely notice the kindly woman who writes your name down on the patient list and schedules their next appointment. These people would be amiss to not notice one medical assistant: Gail. Gail has had adventures unlike any 38 year old medical assistant/housewife. She traveled to middle-earth and stopped the third rise of Sauron. Then she helped liberate the house elves of Hogwarts castle. In her latest adventure, she gained and relinquished the title 'American Idol'. Gail jumped through the portal. Where will it take her? It is a fatty mystery.  
  
* * *  
  
Gail landed hard on the wooden plank. The smell of salt filled the air.  
  
"I think I got a splinter!" she exclaimed, rising to her feet. She looked around. All she could see was the...sea. She looked down at the plank she was standing on. It seemed unsupported. She turned around, and realized it was protruding from the side of a large ship. Dozens of filthy faces stared at her, perplexed. The most decorated of the men stepped forward. He was dressed in a coat that had obviously been very fancy and expensive at one time. Now it was tattered and dirty.  
  
"She be a witch!"  
  
"Aye!" screamed the crew in agreement.  
  
Gail sighed, patiently. "I'm not a witch, see, I'm just a medical assistant/housewife. Honestly." She started to walk up the plank towards the boat. Dozens of swords flashed, and were pointed at her.  
  
"I'm not a witch!" Gail protested, as the blades drove her back across the plank. She reached the edge. "Well, good thing I took those swimming lessons at the YWCA!" cried Gail, as she jumped into the Atlantic Ocean.  
  
She fell for what seemed like a couple seconds, then hit the water with a thunderous splash. The boat rocked, and she could hear the crew screaming in panic.  
  
Gail flailed around in the waves, before going under. Oh no, I signed up for swimming lessons at the YWCA, but I forgot I skipped it to go to a Robert Jordan book signing! She took one last gulp of air before going under for good. She looked around, in a panic. The salt stung her eyes. Her temples were pounding and she could feel her lungs pulsing as the cried for air.  
  
Gail saw an angel, before finally blacking out, dead.  
  
* * *  
  
Gail woke up on a wooden cot, covered in a blanket. Judging from the rocking motion, she was on another ship. She coughed, and sat up.  
  
"I'm glad to see you're awake," said a familiar looking young man, with a small mustache and goatee.  
  
"LEGOLAS!" Gail cried out!  
  
The man looked confused. "I'm not who you claim," he blushed, "though I wish I were."  
  
"Oh...well you look like someone I know."  
  
"My names Will Turner." Will held out his hand.  
  
"Gail, but my friends call me Gailum!" Gail took his hand and shook it. He didn't let go after they shook though; rather, he took her hand up to his face and kissed it. Suddenly the door opened. A heavily made-up man swaggered in.  
  
"Oh I don't think so, Mr Turner. You're not going to get all the pretty women. He advanced on Will.  
  
"You aren't one to tell me what I can and can't do, Captain Sparrow." Will drew his sword.  
  
"Please no, don't fight over me!" cried Gail!  
  
"Oh, don't worry, fair lady, I promise I'll win," Captain Sparrow promised, winking one of his eyeshadow-caked lids at her. He then drew his sword. "You'll see Jack Sparrow's skill with the blade is unrivaled!"  
  
Jack slashed at Will. Will parried.  
  
Will slashed at Jack. Jack parried.  
  
Jack jumped on something and slashed at Will. Will parried.  
  
Will jumped on something and slashed at Jack. Jack parried.  
  
Jack cut a rope and something fell towards Will. Will dodged.  
  
Will cut a rope and something fell towards Jack. Jack dodged.  
  
Jack slashed at Will again. Will parried.  
  
Will slashed at Jack again. Jack parried.  
  
Jack whirled in a circle, ran around some stuff, and slashed at Will. Will parried.  
  
Will whirled in a circle, ran around some stuff, and slashed at Jack. Jack parried.  
  
Jack spun his blade at Will. Will ducked, just in time.  
  
Will spun his blade at Jack. Jack ducked, just in time.  
  
Jack did a low jab at Will. Will jumped on the blade, and made a quip.  
  
Will did a low jab at Jack. Jack jumped on the blade, and made a quip.  
  
Will...wait no, it's Jack's turn. Jack--  
  
There were two loud clangs, and the two combatants fell to the floor. Gail held up two newly broken bottles of wine.  
  
"Geeze, I bet that hurt." She heard the door to the room open, and a beautiful young woman came in.  
  
"You think that's pain, you should try wearing a corset!" she said, then looked expectantly at Gail.  
  
"Okay!" said Gail enthusiastically.  
  
The woman didn't say anything, and Gail continued to look at her. "So..."  
  
"Yes?" Gail asked brightly.  
  
"...my name is Elizabeth."  
  
"I'm Gail. I'm a 38 year old--"  
  
"I don't care! You need to stay away from my beloved Will!" Gail started to defend herself, but the door opened again.  
  
"Hello, my name is Governor Weatherby! I enjoy doting on my daughter!" He then did an about face and left, closing the door behind it.  
  
Gail thought for a second. "You know, that man was very likable, the way he dotes on you and is a loving but stupid father figure."  
  
"Regardless, it's time to go. I want Jack and Will for myself." She bent over Jack's body and pulled the sword from his hands.  
  
She ran at Gail. Gail had little time to react, she unzipped her purse, cocked the pistol, and fired. The bullet hit Elizabeth square in the forehead. She fell in a heap. Jack's sword flew from her hand and skittered across the floor.  
  
Gail looked at the 3 bodies lying on the floor. The noise from the gun must have woke Jack and Will, they were stirring. Gail quickly put the smoking pistol in her purse.  
  
Will got to his feet, then Jack. "What happened?" Jack asked groggily, upon seeing Elizabeth's lifeless body? Will ran to her side, and held her in his arms, weeping.  
  
"I don't know," Gail said, staring at her feet. "She just...fell."  
  
Will placed Elizabeth gently back onto the floor. Then he looked at Gail. "Well, Gail...Gailum...I guess that settles it. You are mine."  
  
"Well...OK," said Gail, after some thought.  
  
"Now wait a minute!" Jack ran across the cabin and grabbed his sword. "She is to be mine!"  
  
Will picked up his sword from where he had been laying. "I don't think so."  
  
The two men attacked each other with the swords. The door opened, and Governor Weatherby came in.  
  
"What was that noise I heard earlier? I--" he saw Elizabeth. "No! My daughter? Upon whom shall I dote now?"  
  
Gail unzipped her purse, pulled out her pistol, and shot the governor. His carcass slumped over his daughters.  
  
"Man, this is my worst adventure ever!" complained Gailum. Jack and Will continued to cross swords.  
  
Suddenly...a portal appeared. Gailum jumped through without a backward glance.  
  
"Hey...where did she go?" asked Jack.  
  
Will answered, "Through a portal." He lowered his sword. "Well, I guess there's no sense in carrying on this fighting."  
  
Jack batted his heavily mascara'd eyelashes at him. "You know, you're right. Maybe we don't need Elizabeth or whoever that other woman was."  
  
"Gailum."  
  
"Whatever. My point is..." They ran to each other, and kissed long and tenderly. Suddenly, there was a flash of light. An elf appeared.  
  
"He looks a little like you, in the face." Jack commented to Will. Will nodded absently.  
  
"Have you seen a 38 year old medical assistant/housewife?"  
  
"Yeah, she just ran through a portal," answered Will.  
  
"Oh no, she's in grave danger! She's likely gone to Nega-Middle-Earth!" Suddenly, angel wings sprang from his back, and he ran out the door. Outside the cabin window, he could be seen flying off into the heavens, then, a flash of light, and he disappeared.  
  
"I love you," said Jack.  
  
NEXT! GAILUM IS IN DANGER, AS SHE HAS UNKNOWINGLY BEEN TRANSPORTED TO NEGA-MIDDLE-EARTH! 


End file.
